Backpacking Home

I have arrived, I am home. 

Towards the end of the Covid pandemic I was yearning for a kinder and more ethical way of being. Working remotely and living in a small rural town surrounded by the most beautiful public lands and national parks and with endless opportunities for hiking and backpacking protected my physical and mental health, but it didn’t protect me from the ignorance and hate that seems to tear this world apart. Stumbling upon Thay’s gatha during an online search and clicking on the link to Deer Park Monastery’s website changed my life. Ethical guidelines and a community that aspires to live in harmony and awareness already exist! But the idea of joining a retreat with hundreds of people was overwhelming. Then a post from Deer Park about an upcoming backpacking retreat caught my eye. Now this was something I could do!

During that first backpacking retreat in the blazing heat of Daley Ranch in late summer, I learned to walk with my ancestors. All the shame and guilt came out in the form of tears, sweat, and snot, stored in my body over many generations of my German ancestors keeping their heads down and their mouths shut to survive. I suddenly understood that it was the unbearable silence and stoic productivity and efficiency of my parents’ and grandparents’ generations that made me take refuge in the land of the free and home of the brave. Thus, my journey of healing and making peace with my ancestors began.

I’ve just returned from my fourth backpacking retreat with the Deer Park monastics on Catalina Island. My steps on the first day were heavy with a sense of confusion over the complexity of every thing and an aspiration of integration. My steps today feel grounded in ease. 

A new deeper space seems to have opened up where my breath just ‘is’, together with the understanding that everything and everyone belongs in their own beautiful way. Hearing the Dharma out in nature while walking with the multifold community with everything we think we need on our backs, almost like the Buddha lived and taught over 2,600 years ago, is my Dharma Door. The teachings are deeply embodied; there is no escape, only the safe container of the Sangha. What is right action when your path is barred by a herd of bison taking an afternoon nap? With a newfound awareness of my perfectionistic habits, what is right mindfulness when I keep misplacing items? (Current answer: blame the super cute but rather naughty Catalina Island fox and laugh it off; it kindly brought all items to the next campsite).

I am very grateful to the many Deer Park monastics and lay friends who have supported the backpacking retreats over the years. The inclusive and caring energy that we create deeply nourishes my practice, and my aspiration to continue Thay by bringing a different way of being back to my community with each mindful breath and each mindful step.